I Felt Nothing

"I felt nothing." That's what she said. That's what the woman I love told me. I pick up a dagger and hurl it into a wall as I recall the all-knowing smirk of that arrogant blonde bitch as she heard those words. As she caught my brief flicker of hurt as it showed through. Isn't she supposed to be the one with a conscience? Oh, Xena knows I love her -- She just won't admit it. Why? For the same reason she said that she felt nothing. For Gabrielle. I smash my fist clear through an oak table as I hiss her name under my breath. She is the one thing, the one thing, that keeps me and my chosen apart. She felt nothing. I smile as I know in my heart that those words are outright lies. I recall again the smirk on the bard's face. Was she smirking because she really thinks Xena felt nothing? If she was, she's lost her insight along with her conscience. Or was it because she knew Xena felt something and thought that she'd won? Either way, it doesn't matter. I am the God of War and I will not go down without a fight! Xena can feel me, in her veins, in her heart, in her soul, in her passions, in her very fibre of being. She is mine as I am hers. Gabrielle can't win, Not in this. Betray me if you will Xena, but know that as you do, you betray and deny yourself. We are for each other, Xena. And we will win. I will never give up on us, and I know you won't either.

"Ares," I hear you say my name. Your voice echoes through the night air, but I don't go to you. It's not a call. I wonder if you even know you said it.

The End

Part II

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I look to my raven-haired companion and her child. They lay, trapped in the folds of the dream world. Good. I need to get away. Just for a few minutes. To clear my head. To think. I make my way to a tree in the forest and lean against it. I inhale deeply as the flood of confusion rolls over me and sweeps me up. I let myself recall for the first time since they happened the events of the day.

"I felt nothing," says Xena coldly to the God. Ares turns to me, hurt tearing through his eyes. Hurt and accusation. Accusation of me. He thinks that Xena doesn't care for him because of me. Doesn't he see that Xena simply doesn't care about him? That she hates him? At these thoughts, my mind flies back to what Xena said after the God left.

"I felt something." It's just lust I tell myself, but I doubt myself. Maybe Ares' accusation is well-founded. I see the hurt in Ares' eyes again. Something tears at me. What did I do? I mocked him. I preyed on his pain. I shouldn't feel guilty. He's evil. But I do. I feel terrible. I bury my face in my hands and don't know what to do. A tiny part of me says that Ares loves Xena, that he really does, but I don't want to believe it. Only problem is that tiny part is usually right. I can't help but feel that when I stop Xena and Ares, I'm doing something terribly wrong, but I -- It's just nonsense. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. It feels like I'm in a lesser of two evils trap, because the two evils are equal. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I look through the cover of the forest up to the crescent moon.

"Guide me,"

The End

Part III

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"Gabrielle? You two planned this?" I ask of my daughter and her companion. I put on a false smile and joke about what I'm going to do with them. I'm almost grateful when they walk away. Oh Xena, I almost prefer the warlord you were at times like this. I'm proud of you, of course, for all the good that you bring into this world, but Xena, THIS. I never taught you to toy with another's feelings. And love is a dangerous emotion to tangle with. Xena, sweetie, can't you see that he loves you? I almost smile at the irony. I killed your father to keep you from the clutches of that God, and now, he's the one that belongs to you. What you're doing to him is cruel, Xena. Even he doesn't deserve it. Nobody deserves to have their heart smacked around like a squishy ball. I wish I could tell you, but it wouldn't do any good anyway. You'd just dismiss it as another of your mother's wild father-finding missions. And Gabrielle, you're supposed to keep my daughter from doing things like this. And yet, you had a hand in this. I shake my head and dismiss all these thoughts. You're a grown woman, Xena. You can make your own decisions. You don't need your mother telling you what to do.

The End

Part IV

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I hear Gabrielle leave the campsite, and knowing that only Eve is here to hear me, I am tempted to call out to you, God of War, but of course, I don't. I think that I went too far this time. You once told me to never look back, never second guess. My mouth quirks slightly and I actually hope you're watching me, just so you can hear it.

"I felt something," I say again. I told that to Gabrielle after you left. Made it look like a slip of the tongue. I didn't like the way she smirked when I lied to you. When I told you I felt nothing. Call it revenge for that smirk. I did feel something. What I always feel. I only said it out loud to irk her. It almost killed me to deny you -- to deny myself. I have known the pain of crucifixion, Ares. And yet, that pain feels weak in comparison to this. Does Gabrielle know? Can she ever truly comprehend? Does she understand that you are with me, in me, with my every breath? And I with you? I don't think so. She may be insightful, but I don't think she sees what she doesn't want to. Gabrielle. This was her idea, you know. That doesn't justify it, of course. But it was the only workable plan I saw. I think, I really do, that the real purpose behind Gabrielle's plot was to hurt you, and the fact that it aided us against Athena was just a bonus. If she knew that it hurt me as much as it hurt you, would she have suggested it? I think she would have. I don't think she likes you very much, War God. I am tempted to call out to you again, and again I don't. I did this for her. Eve. If it wasn't her life, I would never have done this.

"Ares," I finally let your name slip through my lips. The name hangs in the air. There was no real purpose in saying it, except that I had to.

The End

...h.o.m.e...