I’m Sorry Xena, That’s Just Disgusting!

"Oh, come on Herc," argued Iolaus. Trying to argue with Hercules really wasn't worth it, he decided. But he pressed his point anyway. "The Gods aren't really all that bad."

"I'm sorry, Iolaus. Are we talking about the same Gods here? The ones who treat human beings like toys?" Iolaus rolled his eyes as Hercules continued his little rant. "The same ones who use mortals for as long as they suit their purposes and then just abandon them, crushing all their hopes?"

"Look, Herc, this isn't about you and your father--"

"ZEUS. Not 'my father.'"

"Fine. It's not about you and Zeus. I'm referring to all the Gods."

"Ares, Demios, Discord..."

"What about Aphrodite? She's nice. I mean you don't think of her this way, do you?"

"She's my sister."

"Ares is your brother." Iolaus countered. Hercules sighed.

"Aphrodite is the exception to the rule," he explained, gesturing with his hands.

"What about Athena?"

"I've never met Athena."

"That's not the point Herc. Look at all the great things she's done. She believes in strategy. Peaceful resolutions to problems before war. Like you. And she taught mortals half the things they know."

"How do you know all this?" inquired Hercules. Iolaus grinned.

"I've been catching up at the bard's library."

"Ah," was Hercules playful response. "But still, that's only two out of twelve, not even counting the minor Gods. Not great odds."

"They're not all bad," Iolaus continued, determined to win this argument. "Even Ares has helped us out of scrapes now and then. Remember the four horsemen of the Apocalypse?"

"He was only out for himself," Hercules reminded his companion, bringing his drink to his lips, thinking he had won.

"Ah, he's not that bad," Iolaus shrugged. Despite himself, he always felt like he shared a friendship with that God. "I mean after all, Xena likes him," he mused. Hercules spat his drink across the table in shock.

"That's not funny," said Hercules, something dangerous creeping into his voice. Iolaus grinned nervously.

"Uh...It wasn't meant to be."

"Xena hates him."

"Yeah," Iolaus quipped. "Right. And Medusa's a Hestian virgin." Hercules looked at his friend who was dispelling what seemed to him to be cryptic remarks.

"Have you ever seen them fight?" Inquired Hercules laughingly.

"Have you?" asked Iolaus, dead serious, realizing that his friend couldn't see what was blatantly obvious to him.

"Yeah. They hate each other."

"Uh-huh," said Iolaus, like he was speaking to a small child who was dead-set in an obviously flawed opinion.

"They would kill each other if they had the chance."

"Sure Herc," said Iolaus, taking a sip of his own beverage. Hercules was gradually becoming frustrated with his companion.

"Why..." he began, not quite sure how to phrase the question, "would you think otherwise?" Iolaus resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Do you honestly think that Ares would kill Xena?" asked Iolaus, beginning a new path of reasoning. Hercules sighed.

"Well, no. He wants her back to her side. She was once his warrior, and he wants her to be again. She was his BEST warrior. That's why he keeps trying. It's as simple as that."

"That's part of it," amended Iolaus. "But come on. He wants her for more than that." Hercules thought about that for a bit.

"Fine. He's attracted to her. So what?" Iolaus raised his eyebrows.

"Alright," Iolaus continued, trying to let Hercules figure it out on his own. "Do you think Xena would kill Ares?"

`"She'd rip his throat out," said Hercules.

"Think about that for a second," said Iolaus, really starting to be frustrated with his friend.

"So maybe she'd keep him around. The destruction of war would have dire consequences." Iolaus sunk his forehead into his hand. Herc just wasn't getting it.

"So," said Iolaus, careful not lose his temper "You think she'd keep him around for strictly business purposes?"

"You think otherwise, I take it."

"Yeah."

"Alright, maybe she's mildly attracted to him."

"Now we're getting somewhere," said Iolaus.

"But it's purely sexual," Hercules finished.

"We stopped getting somewhere," Iolaus mumbled under his breath. "For crying out loud, Herc! Fighting is a turn-on for Xena! Particularly against a worthy opponent. And you know she had a thing for bad boys!"

"You just proved to me that it's purely sexual," Hercules replied calmly, though he was beginning to have his doubts.

"Hercules!" Came a female voice from across the tavern.

"Xena!" Iolaus spun around to face her, while Hercules gestured for her and the bard to sit down.

"We were just talking about you," said Iolaus as Xena sat down.

"Looked like quite the discussion," she commented, an eyebrow arched.

"Nah, it wasn't important," said Hercules, cutting off Iolaus before he said something that they'd all regret.

"Iolaus, I have to show you some of my new scrolls. You won't believe what happened," began Gabrielle.

"Hi ho, the gang's all here," said Ares as he swaggered up to the table, having just appeared in the room. Xena turned to look at him, her eyes somewhat playful.

"I was wondering when you were going to show yourself," she smirked. Iolaus nudged Hercules, who was already watching the interaction for evidence of Iolaus's theory.

"What were you doing in here to begin with, anyway?" Xena pressed the God of War.

"Oh, there was an interesting discussion going on," he said, throwing a casual grin Iolaus's way. Xena didn't miss the glance.

"You were listening to them talk about me?" she asked with a laughing smile.

"You were listening to us talk...?" hissed Hercules, slowly rising. With a warning hand, Iolaus held him back, not wanting to start an unnecessary fight over something so stupid.

"Is it so surprising?" he asked. "That way, I can keep tabs on my enemies, and listen to a topic I find rather...invigorating," he dropped his voice to a seductive whisper, gazing intently into Xena's eyes. Iolaus, Gabrielle and Hercules had become rather uncomfortable, at the turn of events. Hercules cleared his throat and Xena and Ares turned to him, each cocking an eyebrow.

"Yes?" they said together.

"Nothing," said Hercules quickly, getting somewhat freaked out by their identical movements. "How about some food?" he plastered a false grin on his face.

"Aren't you going to ask me what I want?" Ares directed the question to the whole group. Xena casually kicked her legs up on the table, as the rest of the group bombarded Ares with that very question. Well, he had asked for it, she reasoned, picking at her teeth.

"He doesn't want anything," she stated, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Now that's not true," he said, lifting a strand of Xena's hair, and letting it glide over his hand. "There's *something* I want," he said, his voice dropping to seductive levels again.

"That's not what you're here for," Xena said, not disliking his actions.

"As always, you can read me like a scroll," he grinned. "I'm here because I don't have anything better to do. So, how about that food?"

"You eat?" asked Gabrielle, surprised.

"I don't have to," he said simply. "But I like to. And I just want to be in the company of people who aren't incompetent." He spared a glance at Hercules. "For the most part," he finished, sitting down beside Xena. Xena grinned slightly and leaned back further in her chair.

"Now, to get into this discussion," said Ares, as though he were conversing with old friends and not mortal enemies "Iolaus has guessed correctly, in your little debate." Xena, recalling that they had been 'discussing' her, snapped to attention, bringing her feet down off the table.

"You were 'discussing' me?" she exclaimed, getting a little angry. "You weren't betting on who my first time was with again, were you?" she demanded, recalling the last time that they had been 'discussing' her on opposing sides. Ares looked in surprise at Xena, raising his eyebrows.

"No!" said Iolaus hastily, not wanting a repeat of Xena's anger with that bet.

"Wait..." said Gabrielle, "If they were discussing your first time--"

"We WEREN'T!" defended Iolaus at the scathing gaze from Xena.

"But IF they had been," she continued, speaking to Xena "Why would you suspect that Ares knew the answer?" Xena let her eyes slid to Ares, who was grinning wickedly.

"Pay up," said Iolaus to the demi-god. Hercules kicked him under the table. Gabrielle just looked horrified.

"HIM?!?" she screeched. Xena shrugged.

"Problem?" she asked casually.

"Yes! He's ARES!!" Xena smiled a little, her eyes glinting.

"Yep." Ares, catching the angry glare Hercules was sending him said

"Jealous bro?" a mocking smile on his face.

"Don't call me 'bro,'" Hercules growled, taking a swing at Ares. Xena flipped between Hercules and Ares, undulating.

"Hercules," Xena warned, not liking his reaction in the least. Ares stood behind Xena, arms crossed, smirking at the demi-god.

"Come on Herc, let it go," urged Iolaus, joining in. Hercules, seeing he was outnumbered, glowered at the God of War, but returned to his seat.

"Thank you," said Xena sincerely. Ares still wore the self-confident smirk, until Xena turned angrily to face him.

"And you," she hissed, much to the delight of Hercules and Gabrielle. Ares put on a false pout, his brown eyes mischievous.

"Yes princess?" he asked, taking one of her hands in his.

"You're treating this like a big joke!" she exclaimed, tearing her hand away.

"You were too, until Mr. Righteous over there decided to throw a temper tantrum," he reminded her, his eyes boring into hers. Xena gazed steelily at him, not saying anything. Ares lifted one hand and stroked her cheek. Xena kept her face hard.

"You, Xena, are perfection," he said, beginning to lose control. "Your beauty, your fire," he continued, stepping closer and closing the distance between them. As Gabrielle's and Hercules' eyes twitched in anger and hatred at the God of War, Iolaus smirked to himself.

Speaking of perfection... he mused silently, shifting his gaze to Gabrielle.

"Ares." Ares didn't respond.

"ARES." Ares rolled his eyes, but didn't step away from Xena.

"Yo! War God!" Exclaimed Hercules, finally.

"What?!?" Ares demanded, spinning away from Xena.

"Do you mind here? Some of us are trying to eat!"

"Cool down, Herc," said Xena running her tongue over her lips, eyeing the God of War slyly.

"Xena, what is wrong with you?" asked Hercules, genuinely concerned for his friend. Xena arched her eyebrow.

"Nothing."

"Xena, I'm not sure I believe you. I mean, you're letting Ares... Letting him..."

"Touch me?" Xena queried.

"YES!!" Screamed Hercules. Xena watched as Iolaus rolled his eyes and smirked.

"You think that's funny?" she asked the golden hunter. The smirk fell from Iolaus' face, and he looked rather frightened.

"...Uhm..." was all he could stutter out.

"Then watch this," Xena said quickly, then seized Ares by his vest and shoved him against a wall.

"Whoa!" Ares yelled in shock. Xena glared at him, then looked to make sure that Hercules was watching. He was. He seemed to be smiling at Xena's sudden urge to beat Ares up. Xena winked at Iolaus, then kissed Ares, full force.

Hercules stared, dumbfounded.

Iolaus but his bottom lip. Even he hadn't been expecting this.

Gabrielle held her hands over her stomach, like she was going to be sick, a pained expression on her face.

Xena deepened the kiss, and began pushing Ares' vest off his torso. It was then that Hercules stood up and angrily pushed the would be lovers apart.

"I'm sorry Xena, that is just disgusting!"

Ares readjusted his vest dejectedly.

Xena licked her upper lip, her eyes half-lidded.

"That's hardly the word I'd use for it," she purred. She flicked a glance at Ares, who grinned and vanished.

Finally, she looked Hercules dead in the eye.

"My sexual escapades are *NONE* of your business!" she said, before striding out of the tavern.

Iolaus smirked.

Hercules fumed.

Gabrielle got sick.

* * *

Later that night, Ares materialized in front of Iolaus.

"Alright Blondie, I did what you asked. Remember; you have to keep *your* end of the bargain."

"Yeah, I know, I know," Iolaus conceded. "You help peeve Herc, I keep him off your tail for a month."

"Bingo," Ares grinned. It was then that Xena stepped out of the woods near the pair.

"And my payment?" Xena inquired, arching her eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll take Gabrielle off your hands for a few days. But you know, that's like asking a fish to swim."

"I don't care. Just keep her... Occupied." Xena purred.

"Like I said; Not a problem. Can I ask why you want her out of your hair so badly?"

Xena grinned mischievously at Ares, then returned her attention to Iolaus.

"My sexual escapades are none of *your* business, either," she smiled, before she disappeared with Ares into the ether.

Iolaus stood alone in the moonlit campsite.

He smirked.

His plan had gone off without a hitch.

That would show Hercules for eating the last of *his* rabbit.

...h.o.m.e...